Art by Jacob Stack https://jamartprints.com/artist/jacob-stack/
If only you knew
How scared I was to tell you
So much so I couldn’t be true
True to myself and true to you.
It took my sleep, I couldn’t eat.
It ate my thoughts , life felt so deep.
Why did I have to be like this
Why couldn’t I be one of the normal ones
Making up reasons to explain why I love
And who I love and learning how to love.
Speaking about boys in company ,
Thinking about girls alone.
I felt alone.
But during all this I realised ,
the only person I wasn’t true to
Wasn’t you , but me.
If only You knew how scared I was to tell you.
Why do I tell myself I am never enough,
From the way I speak to how I look rough,
Comparing myself to others is all that I do,
Afterwards wondering why I feel blue,
Why did I do this why did I do that,
Wondering what people think
Do they say “why would she do that”
When I speak to new people I put up my walls,
Even though deep down I know my thoughts are all false.
They imagine a person in my place,
As shallow as their perceptions,
They assume to know me without hearing
My voice or a thought from my head.
They know not my history or my future,
Not my accomplishments or my dreams,
But they see their assumptions
In place of those vital parts of me.
I think this and judge them but it hurts
To know my interpretation of their actions,
Their glances, looks and all their words
Is the same judgment to be based off the assumptions,
That their words meant what you heard,
That their look meant what you saw,
So I try to recognise “who am I to criticise”.
Stop myself after I think, so I can rearrange
The thought, try to recognise how little I know
Get frustrated they don’t do the same but once again
Know myself not in possession of their thoughts.
I’m angry at my own perceptions
I reassess and the cycle continues.
My absent mind sometimes glides through,
On autopilot it does what I would judge them for.
I am guilty, most of us are, and I wonder
Who else recognises their own guilt and hypocrisy?
Do we all? Do I think this an uncommon thought
When a global experience, or is it all imagined?
In judgement for others and myself, I try to find out.
My room is blue
It’s quiet and clean
The only place I feel I can breathe
Outside my door it’s chaotic and red
So I lock it all out before it spreads
When I step outside It aches in my head
But I get home I wash off all the red
The heaviness is gone while I climb into bed
As a group we are all friends
When I see home none of them are there.
As a group we are all friends
But one to one we tear apart one another.
As I am ‘so close with you’ how come the distance
Between us is greater than all this positivity.
Started out as strangers but now as ‘bestfriends’
It feels I knew you then more than now.
As things progress the best years of your life
Seems like time wasted on wasted friendships.
Put yourself first is what I’ve learnt
Isn’t it brilliant that no one else will
The Old World’s Reflection.
The mirror tells me a story,
One of dissonance, an uncanny story.
The mirror reflects a world
Unlike the one etched into my mind.
The mirror tells me I’m only a brain
Piloting a husk, one with features
That simply cannot be.
The mirror distorts the space around me,
Strange men of shadow loom
In what used to be an empty space.
I hate the mirror.
As what it shows is the truth,
A truth I’m not ready to accept.
That the mirror is only in my mind.
I have the power to shatter it,
To move on to truly accept myself.
But sometimes it’s safer to be someone else.
To reflect someone “better”.
But to actually be better, I could never.
A word that can be easily
Mistaken for warrior,
A word that most definitely
Doesn’t apply to me.
No, I’m most certainly a worrier.
A simple task, choice or action
Sends me spiraling through
All different outcomes
From the most mild
To the most insane.
Crossing this road could
Easily end in an accident,
There could be something
Waiting for me in the dark,
If that child eats anymore sweets
They’ll absolutely be sick.
I’m an irrational worrier, a stomach
Or headache my most common illness.
I’m a worrier and I worry that
First time in my life
I don’t know what
I’m going to do without you
For years I wished to escape you
Wish everything that happened
I could just forget
Not knowing what to do
And where to start
But its the first time
I’m experiencing happiness
And I wouldn’t want to
Change them for the world
To feel is human, It’s a power
Your mind and personality create the illusion
There’s a deepness within that empowers
You can feel both physically and mentally
There’s a tenderness that follows
It’s important to sit with feeling
It grows your sense of identity
So with that, grasp each feeling by the throat
And don’t attempt to build a Bailey and motte
To avoid the art of feeling
As you will find comfort within and healing
You’re good at math’s be an accountant
You’re so clever be an doctor
You’re good with kids be a teacher
You’re so smart be a lawyer
Don’t do that you’ll waste you talents
Be happy with what you’ve got
Do this, Not that, Look forwards, Look back
Be a teacher, a lawyer, a doctor
He was the most gentle caring person,
He loved me unconditionally ,
Nothing i did was wrong in his eyes
Until one day everything was,
He didn’t care about the things
I had to say or the feelings i had
He became this different person
Someone i no longer knew and that broke me
From my life to my brothers life,
Though we are similar in looks we
Are as similar as North and South,
From the thing we say to games we play,
We are both perfectly in sync and arch nemesis,
In the end nothing I stand for him
And he stands for me, nothing can split
A brotherly bond
So many aspirations,
With such little prospects,
Dreams of dreams,
To get up and leave,
Away from dread,
Away from worry,
Eating, sleeping, breathing hurling
But making no progress
Leaving the pitch
Disappointed with his performance
But still determined
She’s still proud no matter what
Grateful for her
Life’s a rollercoaster
And it’s good at the moment
He’ll keep on going
I come from happy family where I always felt loved ,
All my sixteen years I’ve had all the love in the world ,
Recently I still feel love all around me but I am alone ,
I still am loved but lonely , I cling on to something
That comforts me but destroys me at the same time
But I can’t let go it’s a warm blanket of comfort
That keeps me warm but burns me also
As the faint sounds of voices
Echo through the alleys
My pace quickens
As I hear the loud
Violent rev of a car
My pace quickens
As I see a group of men
My pace quickens
I huff and puff praying
I’ll get home safely
Each day we go to school,
The timetable we follow each week,
Each week the same, we play the game,
Aiming for the most points,
Sacrificing skills for life.
Bees sting you when they feel threatened
They sting you knowing full well their dead
They selflessly protect their friends
Wasps sting you when they can
They sting you once they sting you twice
They selfishly protect themselves
While bees go out of their way to save the queen
The Evil Bagel
Bagel are good bagels are bad
Put crème on the bagel
The bagel be sad
Make love to the bagel
And sing it a song
Because bagels are life
And Jesus was a bagel
I drank Diet Coke from the moment I woke
Not Coke or Coke Zero
But I’m a Diet Coke hero
Buying it in the shop
Why can’t it be free
Everyday chased by the bees
Fresher than a chop,
Smoother than silk,
God’s gift from heaven ;
A creamy pint of milk.
Whether your stacked on cash,
Or you can’t afford land,
You’ve gone from rags to riches,
If theirs milk in your hand
Sean Dyche Appreciation
The greatest manager of all time
What they did to you is a crime
The board don’t know what they’ve done
They’re only just a load of scum
No one will ever defeat your legacy
An inspiration to all, even your biggest enemy
And I say this with all my might
Goodbye to the legend that is Sean Dyche